Fatherhood

I remember the day my oldest son was born, it was the greatest day of my life but also the scariest.
We waited nine long months for this day and it was here, our baby boy was coming, ready or not.
There was a problem though, every time his mama had a contraction his heart rate would slow way down and I knew it wasn’t right, the nurses tried to play it like it was no big deal, but within minutes we were moving to an operating room where I was told we were doing an emergency c-section.
As they prepped the love of my life to go under the knife I waited in the hall, wearing scrubs and a mask my heart was pounding every scenario was running through my head.
What if something is wrong, what if my wife doesn’t survive, what if my boy doesn’t make it, what if his health was affected by the slow heart.
My whole life was about to change and for better or worse there was nothing I could do to stop it.
The doctor came and told me what was about to go down, and truth be told I don’t remember what he said except for him asking me if I’m ready, I nodded and we went in.

I walked into that room and it all seems surreal now but I took my wife’s hand and in what only seemed like seconds they asked me if I wanted to see him come out, I didn’t say anything I just stood up so I could see over the makeshift curtain that separated me from where all the action was taking place, in what can only be described as a beautiful mess, I watched as the doctor reached in and lifted out a brand new human being, a new life.
The miracle of life was happening right before my eyes, I had felt him kick and cause many a sick morning but now I was seeing him for the first time, he didn’t cry right away and people always say you want to hear him cry and the silence brought back all the worry and all the scenarios, the nurse took him over to a table while I waited and watched and after what felt like hours I heard the most beautiful sound in the world, a sound I would soon come to expect in the middle of the night, a sound that would interrupt every night of sleep for the next few years, a sound that oddly enough I now miss, the sound of a newborn baby crying.
She wrapped him up and brought him over to me, and I held my son, whom I loved so much already and I’d only known him for a minute, I introduced him to his mother while she had a lucid moment, and my son and I were whisked out of the room while they put her back together.

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My boy at about six months old

In the post op room I waited and in between the feelings of worry for my wife and the overwhelming feeling of joy and love for my son I tried to collect my thoughts. It was too much though and I decided to soak in this moment, the sound of a newborn breathing, how beautiful he is and how scared I was, not the scared that I felt before but the scared that wondered if I was going to be a good dad, will I raise him right, will he understand how much I love him, all these things ran through my head as they wheeled my now intact wife into the room, she was ok, he was ok and now I was ok.

That fear doesn’t go away either, the thought that everything you do for them will not be enough to keep them safe, keep them from throwing their life away, or from the temptations of the world.
Almost 40 percent of children born today go home with no father in the picture, no one to teach them the things that only a father can teach.
I’m not trying to take anything away from mothers cause mothers are awesome and bring their own special things to the table that only mothers can bring, we are facing an epidemic and it’s not a sickness that is cured by medicine, no this epidemic is the absence of strong male leadership from dads who would rather do anything else but be at home and lead their children.
In the words of the Casting Crowns, where are you men of courage?
Kids today are faced with more challenges than we ever faced growing up, sex is the language they speak before they get to double digits, drugs are the norm in many homes, drinking and cussing and yelling are completely normal as well, divorced parents use the kids as leverage and have no idea that their children are crying inside.

As society changes what a family looks like, we will be faced with more questions from our kids than ever before as to what their role is in an ever changing world that says nothing is wrong and everything is normal.

From the second I left that operation room and entered into fatherhood I have had one goal in mind, raise my kids with love, respect, kindness, and generosity. Show them what it means to have integrity, teach and model honesty, be a do as I do type of leader instead of a do as I say not as I do kinda guy.
Fatherhood is hard and I wouldn’t have it any other way, when my boys were little my wife ensured that I had an equal part of the long nights and 3 am feedings, I was tired then but now I am thankful for it, nothing makes you bond more than the quiet of the night with a life that depends on you a hundred percent.

I’ve had another boy since then and although more experienced I felt all those same feelings again, and am now raising two boys that fight more than all middle eastern countries combined but they are loved by a mother and a father and will overcome their desire to see each other cry and will love each other because that is what was modeled for them.
Like God the Father and His Son Jesus modeled for me I too will model for my family. I hope you will join me.

Thanks for reading.

Posted from WordPress for Android

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